Ebb & Flow.

At times, I feel I have a really good understanding of men…and then….I don’t….

I have these moments where I have a real handle on The Pilot Guy. I do not doubt that he cares about me…but I also know that he is not the settling down kind of guy.

I finally got my realization of something when I met an old friend of his over Memorial Day weekend. As in “old friend” I mean someone he’s known for 30 years. In those moments, I realized that with the exception of his Mother and his granddaughters, he will never love a woman as much as he loves his friends.

It gave me insight and in a lot of ways…set me free in some ways to simply provide him with nurturing and affection without worrying too much about “where is this relationship going”. In so many ways, he has been a catalyst for my healing after the divorce.

The one thing I am used to with this man is that every time he gets a little too close (emotionally) for his personal comfort, he will pull away. It’s the ebb and flow with him. After three years, I’ve become very used to it..but to be honest, it’s only since August that I have truly been able to live with it - without it hurting too much.

I think the reason that the relationship with him has lasted for so long is that a huge part of me prefers the occasional visit over the in-my-space because I need my independence… About the 3rd day with someone, I am longing to be…..alone for a bit ;->

We seem to have a routine down. About once very 4 to 6 weeks we get together. In between that, we have an intense couple of weeks where we text all kinds of naughty stuff….and then the week or so after we see each other, texts are relegated to daily, but nothing too naughty….just keeping in touch kind of stuff.

I saw him a couple of weeks ago, and true to pattern, the following week was mundane texts about where we each were with our travels and how we were. On weeks like that, I rarely text him good morning…it’s usually a middle of the day “hey, did you know…”.

I was at CostCo and I get a text…an out of character for him in this point of the cycle of “wanting you today….bad”. I joke back - “poor baby…wish I could help you” sort of thing - as I know he is in NM and I know that next week is all about our families.

Then he asks me if it’s ok with me if he changes his ticket, comes through here, and stays with me on Saturday night. I say, sure…if you’d like. So, he says that he will check with American when he gets a lunch break and see if he CAN change his ticket. A bit later, he texts me how much it will cost…. and I say “that’s not too bad”. and then I hear nothing…. and tell him “you know I would love to see you, sweetie…and I could use some comfort…but I’m not going to beg you…totally up to you”

My next text is his arrival time on Saturday and his departure time on Sunday.

I think that I ebb and flow in relationships, too. I have that high sex drive time when I just want to play…and then I have that time where I am content alone…but if I were to be given the opportunity of company, I lean towards quiet rather than adventure.

In honesty. this has been a week where I have been longing for comfort. Sure, sex is a bonus and I’m not the kind of girl to play “I have a headache”….but more than anything, just being held while I sleep is what my desires are.

I don’t understand what prompted this.  Honestly, though I’d like to understand it….I probably never will.  My frame of mind is that of simply enjoying what I am offered and not worrying about the whys.

There haven’t been any elaborate requests of sexy lingerie, and instead, plans of a favorite restaurant…and a text of “just be casual to pick me up”.

In this relationship, besides adventures, I know that I provide him with nurturing and comfort at times. My instincts are telling me he’s had a rough week and is desiring the nurturing side of me.  Leopards don’t change their spots. But it doesn’t mean that the leopards don’t appreciate being loved.