Deb Smouse

Even though I haven’t written here in ages, in some ways I still see myself as a blogger.  A part of me misses the daily chatter I used to do, and not because of people reading what I wrote, but because it helped me keep my  head straight as to where I was mentally and kept me on the task of writing to hone my craft.  Knowing that friends (and others) were reading just encouraged me to continue to write on a regular basis.

Some folks I met through my blog, by the way, have remained close friends for years - closer in ways than some of the folks I grew up with.

But then, parts of my life began to change, habits change, needs change.  I still needed to write, but the information out there needed to balance pieces of my life and the impending divorce, career changes, etc stilted the free flow of information.  I became fearful.

Then, I got over it, got back to myself and tried to find my own writing voice again.  I was getting there, too, until I had this huge “invasion of privacy” feeling due to the excessive searches on my name.  I began to examine each and every word I wrote - and had written.  Some of the searches were a competitor (frustrating but understandable) - others were clients (understandable).

But I wrote less.  It was back to the fear….Fear is one of the hardest emotions to get around.   I missed writing, but other things became priority.  I allowed other things to become a priority.

Then, when reviewing my site referrals, I came across this:

Seriously?

It creeped me out.

I am this incredibly open minded and open person.  I write snippets about the (very little) dating I do but I don’t talk specifics.  Yes, I started a new ezine that is a little more open on the subject.    But who is searching to find informaton about me that is that specific?  It isn’t from a competitor consultant, those searches were all out of the Virginia area.  It’s not a client, because I don’t have any active clients in Texas right now.

If it is something someone is so curious about they need to SEARCH for it….then why don’t you EMAIL me?  Leave a comment?  Be upfront and honest - I certainly am pretty damned open…

My best writing tends to be open.  Nakedly honest.  That is my writing voice.

I want to hone my craft, I want to be able to write daily and regularly.  I want to be able to say that I love the hotel I stayed at last week, even though I am living out of a suitcase.  I want to talk about the incredibly cute little boy on the Metro last week who flirted with half the women there.  I want to be able to say that my feelings for someone scare me, but I am staying in the relationship. I want to say I’m excited that the LA Times Book Blog picked up and linked to my interview with George Pelecanos.

Can I be myself, here, though?  Can I be open.  Can I stand naked here?  Can I get over the fear of what people think?  Is it pollyannaish of me to want to be liked and appreciated for who I am?

To be (a blogger) or not be (a blogger)?

It’s the question, but the true question is:  what is the answer?